Cast of Characters
by bast2
Summary: Poking a little fun at our heros.


CAST OF CHARACTERS  
  
In the thirteen year run of the excellent series Law & Order, there have  
  
been quite a few cast changes. I figured the newer viewers might need to  
  
be brought up to speed. Note: All characters are the property of Dick   
  
Wolf and not mine (although I wish two of them were).  
  
Jack:  
  
Hello. I'm Assistant District Attorney Jack Mc Coy, known for   
  
my prowess at practicing law, my extracurricular activities   
  
with my assistants, and my great head of hair. This is  
  
my current assistant (wink, wink) Serena Southerlyn.  
  
Serena:  
  
Hello.  
  
Jack:  
  
Tell us about yourself, Serena.  
  
Serena:  
  
Well, there's not much to tell. I just seemed to...show  
  
up one day. In the script it said something about eye candy.  
  
But that's ridiculous. No one eats candy with their eyes.  
  
Jack:  
  
Yes...well. Thank you, Serena. And now I'd like to introduce  
  
you to the head honcho----District Attorney Arthur Branch.  
  
Arthur:  
  
Howdy!  
  
Jack:  
  
How are you today, Arthur?  
  
Arthur:  
  
Fine as a hair on a frog! I'm just sittin real purdy on this desk   
  
job. Best gig I ever had. Get to smooze with the big boys, tell a   
  
few stories, and get plenty of eye candy.  
  
Serena:  
  
What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Jack:  
  
Never mind, Serena, forget it. Moving on, here's one of our cast   
  
favorites Lennie Briscoe. How's it going, defective?  
  
Lennie:  
  
Ah...that's detective.  
  
Jack:  
  
Oh, yeah. Sorry.  
  
Lennie:  
  
It's going just great, Jack. I mean, how many other shows have  
  
a lead cop as old as I am? If the show keeps running, I'll be  
  
employed through the aluminum walker AND the wheel chair phase.  
  
Thank God Ed's there to do the leg work.  
  
ED:  
  
Hey, Bro.--glad to do it. You an old geezer, sure, but you   
  
all right. (Ed flashes a smile).  
  
Jack:  
  
Our other detective, Ed Green. How's that little gambling  
  
problem, Ed?  
  
Ed:  
  
No sweat. Five'll get you ten I beat it before the series ends.  
  
Jack:  
  
Glad to hear that Ed. And now here's our Leu - Anita Van Buren.   
  
You look lovely today, Anita.  
  
Anita:  
  
Is that a sexist remark? I'll have you up on charges. I do my   
  
job as well as any man, and if anybody says different they're   
  
gonna get sued.  
  
Jack:  
  
Calm down, Anita. Nobody's denying the fact that you have   
  
balls - if only metaphoric ones.  
  
Anita:  
  
Bet your ass!  
  
Jack:  
  
And we have every confidence in your abilities. (Aside: If we   
  
didn't we'd all end up end up as defendents in court ourselves.)   
  
And last, but not least, we have our crusty, jaded, but loveable   
  
M.E.- Elizabeth Rodgers. Here's a little known fact about   
  
Elizabeth - she's been with cast longer than anyone.   
  
In fact, from the begining. Right, Liz?  
  
Rodgers:  
  
Damn right! And if anyone deserves recognition it's me. You know   
  
how many bodies I've sliced up in thirteen years? How many passes   
  
I've had to endure from Lennie? And I get no character development   
  
at all. It's not fair! I should get more respect. I deserve   
  
a past! I demand a past!  
  
Serena:  
  
I don't know what you're whining about. I don't even have a   
  
present - and I'm one of the leads. Doesn't anybody have any ideas   
  
for me?  
  
Rodgers:  
  
(looking at her slyly) I might have a few. How about we go for   
  
drinks and discuss them? (Rodgers and Serena EXIT, hand in hand)  
  
Arthur:  
  
Hey, wait a minute. You can't go off with her, Serena. You're   
  
supposed to be OUR eye candy. Jack! Jack! She's gettin' away.   
  
We gotta rope that little filly right now!  
  
Jack:  
  
It's ok, Arthur, she'll be back. I mean what can Rodgers offer her   
  
that I can't?  
  
Authur:  
  
The absence of a 5 o'clock shadow for starters.  
  
Jack:  
  
(shaking head) Don't worry yourself, Arthur. Wolf'll get her back   
  
in character - no matter how hard that fanfic writer Blast tries to   
  
get her out.  
  
Blast:  
  
That's Bast.  
  
Jack:  
  
Whatever. So anyway - that's our little group - our little cast of   
  
characters. Hope you enjoyed meeting us all and if you didn't you   
  
can always catch the old Law & Order cast on TNT reruns.   
  
Thank You, and goodnight. 


End file.
